Paper Gowns

Thursday evening I found myself completing a series of acrobatic moves in an attempt to piss in a cup. Collecting a "clean" sample requires you to catch mid pee... Now how am I to do this when the cup they give me is the size of a freaking Big Gulp from 7-11. And honestly what are they going to do with that much of my pee? Sample in hand, I realized that I had in fact dribbled a little sample ON my hand - eeeeeew. I look left, I look right.. There is NO place to put my pee cup.. Nothing. The back of the toilet was crowded with stuff, no ledge on the sink, no counter - NADA. I place my precious "clean catch" sample on the floor, wash my hands, almost kick my sample over, and discover they are out of paper towels. I wipe my hands on my jeans and emerge from the bathroom to inform the nurse of the paper towel situation. "No problem" she replies cheerfully and hands me a stack of blue towels. "Thanks but I don't need this many towels"... "Oh those aren't paper towels, that's your gown, you'll need to get undressed" WHAT? WHAT? WHAT??? Ok, I did NOT sign on for this. It's bad enough that I got bullied into having an annual physical done, but now I have to strip? My head starts feeling fuzzy and I'm wishing I had popped a few Xanax before coming. I already have a fear of the doctor, especially new doctors. You see I haven't had many good doctor experiences to speak of. We had finally settled into a great batch of doctors when BOOM, the Hubster's company changed insurance and our went in the crapper. Now we have a new doctors office that, quite frankly, we hate. I get ushered into an exam room and I immediately notice there is NO ESCAPING. The window had hurricane shutters closed over them, damn damn damn. There I lay, shivering in my paper blue shame, imagining the worst when Perky the nurse comes through the door with a massive cart of stuff. The rustling from my paper gown sounds like a flock of birds taking off. She takes my blood pressure which by this point is 130/80. She then starts fishing around in my paper gown. Uh, hi, I don't think we've been formally introduced. I'm Fidget and I'll be your patient today and you are..... giggle giggle is her reply as she starts sticking electrodes to my body.. Oh great, have I mentioned that I'm ALLERGIC to medical grade adhesives? I mention this and her only response is "Oh that stinks" while she continues to move my breast here and there. So she runs an EKG, the fastest EKG I've ever had. First off, why the EKG? I've never had one as part of a routine physical and number 2 was it really necessary for the male doctor to burst in during the repeat EKG while my ta tas were flopped out to the world and I was itching madly as you reapplied my electrodes? Yes, I had to have 2 EKGs you see my first showed an irregular heartbeat and my second while better still caused the Doctor some worry - Great. No let me explain to you the reason - I WAS PANICKED, CLEARLY PANICKED. Heavy breathing, check. Sweating, check. Stuttering, check. Now they know about my anxiety/panic problem but instead of scheduling me for a repeat EKG, one where I would have warning of it happening and could prepare myself accordingly, they are sending me to the cardiologist. Fucking Shit, I a) don't have time or a babysitter for this b)don't want to pay the high copay for this and c)don't want even more electrodes stuck to me, for a longer period of time ARGHHHHHHHHH! While explaining the referral process to me he notices my arm is welted and blotchy. "Oh wow, you weren't kidding about being allergic to the adhesive were you?" Um no.... And this is the idiot I have to see first about any medical problem I have... God help me. For the next two days I spent my time clawing at my breasts arms and legs like a dog with fleas.

ps don't worry I'll go to the cardiologist like an obedient brainless fuck. I did take some medications that possibly could have some heart ramifications as side effects... heehee I said RAMifications. I will however draw the line at the heart halter monitor. I had to wear one of those while I was pregnant with Mira. I had the WORST rash under my boobs for 2 fucking weeks - 2!! I wanted to kick the ER doctor in the nuts when the test came out clear.

pps Go clicky clicky on Plaid Toaster, my blog renter for this week. She rocks so hard she's a regular on my blogroll.