Microwave Mayhem

My microwave likes to incinerate things. Frozen food that says 45 seconds takes 28... 28 NOT 29! 29 is one second too long. In that one second a biscuit can turn into a hockey puck. Today I foolishly tried to use the "popcorn" button. Holy hell fires! Really, aside from a decaying corpse is there a worse smell than burnt popcorn? I would way rather smell dog shit than burnt popcorn. When I opened the bag to see if any was rescuable there was actually a small fire in the bag!! I gagged on the hideous smell and briefly considered lighting my hair on fire to cover the stench.