Letters to Asshats
Dear Fucknut,
If you do not cease riding your crotch rocket down my street at 80 mph I will be forced to take action. Action? What can I do? Oh ye of little brain. On your next go around I'm going to toss a branch or midget - what ever is handy- in your path. You'll wipe out mightily and since you think you are too cool for a helmet or shirt, the flesh will be peeled from your body exposing your soft gooey center. Then I will send my 3 yr old toddling over to shake some salt in your wounds and ask you to slow down. I'll call 911, I'm a gentle souled mother... Of course I'll also take pleasure in known that they will have to take skin from your hairy ass and shrunken pecker to graft onto your face.
Dear Blogger,
Stop eating my posts.. I am already teetering on the brink of hospital commitment. While I agree I could use the rest, I like having shoe laces at my disposal.
Dear M,
I have tried apologizing and it sucks that in your mental state you are willing to throw away another friendship. I can't tie my well being up in your bullshit. I'll miss having drinks and running off to shows, damn you. I still love ya kid.
Dear Seroquel,
Thank you for the blackout sleep and diminished appetite.. Maybe I'll start losing weight again and withdraw my application for water buffalo status.
Dear Brusters Ice Cream,
Thank you for your amazing brownie sundae.. Please inform you staff that adding rainbow sprinkles is not against the rules, nor does it require a 20 minute conference on whether to charge me 20 extra cents. JUST PUT THE FUCKING SPRINKLES ON and don't forget to give me a spoon. Thanks
If you do not cease riding your crotch rocket down my street at 80 mph I will be forced to take action. Action? What can I do? Oh ye of little brain. On your next go around I'm going to toss a branch or midget - what ever is handy- in your path. You'll wipe out mightily and since you think you are too cool for a helmet or shirt, the flesh will be peeled from your body exposing your soft gooey center. Then I will send my 3 yr old toddling over to shake some salt in your wounds and ask you to slow down. I'll call 911, I'm a gentle souled mother... Of course I'll also take pleasure in known that they will have to take skin from your hairy ass and shrunken pecker to graft onto your face.
Dear Blogger,
Stop eating my posts.. I am already teetering on the brink of hospital commitment. While I agree I could use the rest, I like having shoe laces at my disposal.
Dear M,
I have tried apologizing and it sucks that in your mental state you are willing to throw away another friendship. I can't tie my well being up in your bullshit. I'll miss having drinks and running off to shows, damn you. I still love ya kid.
Dear Seroquel,
Thank you for the blackout sleep and diminished appetite.. Maybe I'll start losing weight again and withdraw my application for water buffalo status.
Dear Brusters Ice Cream,
Thank you for your amazing brownie sundae.. Please inform you staff that adding rainbow sprinkles is not against the rules, nor does it require a 20 minute conference on whether to charge me 20 extra cents. JUST PUT THE FUCKING SPRINKLES ON and don't forget to give me a spoon. Thanks
posted by Fidget @ Tuesday, March 29, 2005
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