sobbing rant, putting my pain out there

I'm getting pulled under... Monday I was to take an accounting test... I didn't, instead called the teacher and said I couldn't make it. I need to make up the exam before Monday night and I can't seem to study. I don't want to go to class... I don't want to be there. I don't want to try... It's not enough. It's not enough for anyone. Last semester my mom didn't care about my great grades, instead opting to jab at me and the school I'm attending "gee, that must be a school for dummies if you're making an A" "mom the failure rate of this class is 1/3".."That should be proof enough that you're at a school for dunderheads"... Thanks mom... DH just said "It's what I expected"... That's great you have that confidence in me but I don't. I need to hear how well I did... To you maybe it didn't appear that I was sweating hard over the class but DH we learn differently... Reading is horrid for you.. Taking notes, understandable tough... When I hear something, information like that it sticks with me... I can then apply it... I suck at math That A was such a huge achievement and no one seems to care... I shouldn't be so dependent on others for my self worth but a life time of emotional abuse has left me less than whole. The symptoms are intensifying again... Insomnia.... Agitation... Mood swings... Feeling hopeless... Not wanting to try... It's not as bad as before but I'm medicated god damn it... it was working but this is so much... I don't know why but it is so much. I can't quit.. Its past add/drop, we'd lose over $200... I wasted enough money withdrawing from classes during my 1st go around at college... Why do I perpetually suck? Why do I still hear my (step)father's condescending tone tell me I'm a moron and how I better memorize the phrase of my life "do you want fries with that?" I can still hear him cussing at me and my mother's piercing gaze as she tells me to "shit or get off the pot" I need to figure out how to make something of my life... It's not enough.. I have a wonderful family.. Anyone can do that... Right? What is so wrong with me.....?? If something happened to DH I would just be worthless. I'd cling to what I could and not have enough to get through on my own. My mother's worst fear has been me ending up like her... She had to live with her parents when my father died... I think that's why she allowed my (step)dad to speak to me that way... To run after me like he would strangle me with his bare hands... My mother didn't cuss so much, she flung words like underachiever.. The worst.. I was "dramatic, a dreamer, wishywashy" like my real dad. She wanted to crush every iota of artist talent and pleasure so I could have a career- something she wanted for herself but life dealt her a different hand... I haven't grown to fufill her dreams, my family is adequate, my parents have mellowed with age but they still hurt me and they still haunt me.....